Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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