i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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