Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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