U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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