I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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