Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Pants are for mortals
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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