i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish you could order shots online.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
