we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Vodka?
Forever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
