i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
