I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
