The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
