I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
