Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
