Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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