he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize