dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My balls are so social today.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
