Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
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I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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