I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
