i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize