You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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