I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
