My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
