I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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