I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
