Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
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She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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