my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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