GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
