you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
