when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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