This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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