We're like a lot better than the average bears
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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