I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize