When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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