Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
