Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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