dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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