I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
