she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.