At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.