dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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