Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
