five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
