3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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