Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
