fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
