if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
