I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
