hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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