Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
