atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
