she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Actions speak louder than pants.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
