New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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