He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
