He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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