I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
