my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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